Wfell, folks, it finally happened—TikTok is offline, and I, for one, couldn’t be happier. TikTok was a platform that brought us cringe-inducing dances, questionable life hacks, and the soul-sucking horror of vertical videos. Seriously, who decided that filming through a keyhole was the way to go? I get it, everyone’s glued to their phones, but have we forgotten that screens can turn sideways? It’s not hard, people.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room: the drama behind TikTok’s shutdown. The official story is that we were worried about the Chinese government using it to spy on us. Because apparently, seeing Becky from Iowa lip-sync to Taylor Swift is a matter of national security. But really, why would the Chinese bother with TikTok when they could probably just hit up Hunter Biden for a discount on classified intel? The guy’s got a laptop full of goodies, after all. Throw in Nancy Pelosi, Barack Obama, and Joe Biden, and you’ve got a discount espionage dream team. Who needs TikTok when your politicians are basically handing out state secrets like IHalloween candy?
And let’s not forget, TikTok didn’t just ruin video aesthetics—it ruined lives. People have literally died trying to one-up each other with daredevil stunts for likes. Darwin Awards, meet your new sponsor. But sure, TikTok was the real threat to America, not the NSA logging every phone call, text, and late-night Google search you’ve ever made. Nope, it’s the dancing teens we should be afraid of.
In reality, the Patriot Act and other government snoop-fests are far scarier than a platform that’s 90% cats and people falling off treadmills. But hey, at least now I don’t have to endure another poorly filmed vertical cooking tutorial. That, my friends, is the real victory.
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